Webster’s Prognosis

delirium - n. - transient mental disturbance that is characterized by confusion, disorientation, disordered speech, restlessness, excitement and often delusions and hallucinations, sometimes occurs in the course of a mental illness had is associated with a high fever, toxemia or injury.

I think this is what I have. That, and maybe an ulcer. It hasn't gotten to the point of hallucinations unless you count me hoping that Colin Farrell comes staggering in at work, slops whiskey all over the place, swears at everyone that has ever upset me, throws me over his shoulder and whisks me away.
Maybe it's just exhaustion. I've worked 9 full days straight now with two more days and five more assignments to go this week. My sleep schedule is all out of whack. For the last five or six days, I've been laying in bed from midnight until about 4 a.m. which is when I fall asleep and wake up extremely groggy about four hours later. (Yeah, I probably should be sleeping now but I want to write a post. And then take a bath.) When I actually do sleep, I have work-related nightmares. Not dreams, mind you... nightmares. For example: getting a phone call in the middle of the night to go to a fire or being told by my editors that a family emergency does not take precedence over a school board meeting. Maybe it's guilt for not being physically- or mentally-able to give 100 percent to my job. Maybe it's because my whole life has revolved around work and nothing else for the past year and a half. In my defense, I'd like to attribute my lack of root-planting to an unpredictable work schedule and being just plain burnt out.

I worked so hard in college at one point - a full course load, 30 hours of work each week, volunteering at the school paper while creating some lasting friendships - that I ended up making myself sick and not getting over it. I had to drop out of school for a semester, and periodically over the following year I'd get so nauseous that I couldn't keep anything down for days. I ended up in the hospital twice for fluids and underwent so many tests without doctors ever finding something conclusive. That was so frustrating to me because it meant the problem was mental... that I wasn't strong enough to handle what everyone else could. (Some friends think it’s because I don’t know when to ask for help.) Obviously my family and friends were great, but I think they all wondered how I got so anxious that I caused actual physical harm to myself. I still get pissed when I think about it.

Eventually, it worked itself out but I'll still wake up sick to my stomach sometimes. It usually happens when I'm under a lot of pressure at work or I'm worried about money. Lately, I'm starting to wonder if I‘ll wake up one morning and be right back where I was four years ago. What can I do to cut off a setback from happening? Would finding a hobby outside work be enough or will it require me picking up and moving again to another town and another job? I just don’t know, but one thing's for sure... nothing was worth getting to this point of uncertainty so I’ll rack my brains tomorrow and every day afterward until I come up with an answer my mind and body can live with.