Unbelievable

Boy, do I know how to pick 'em.

So, I know I never really put much of an update on here about how things went with the guy from Pittsburgh. That's because he came down, we had a great time, he seemed great, but... not long after he went back home, it became pretty apparent to me that I am still not over the guy I work with. Pittsburgh guy made it pretty clear he had very strong feelings for me, and I felt like I had been leading him on (that wasn't my intent--I really thought I was moving past the guy at work), and I felt very guilty.

So a few weeks after his visit, I told him how I felt. His reaction was to say he "needed to think," hang up, then send me instant messages cursing me out, which I got the next day. We talked a day or so later through IMs, and he insinuated that I was manipulative. I alluded to all of this about a week later on my blog, but didn't go into details, because I know he reads my blog, and didn't really want to rub salt in the wound. He left a rather defensive reply on that post.

Then yesterday I got the shock of my life. He started emailing me and IMing me again several weeks ago, just polite "how are you" messages, I guess trying to rebuild some kind of friendship. Well, a week or so ago I set up a profile on MySpace, and yesterday I got an email from him through there. Never having realized he had a MySpace profile, and maintains a blog there, I started taking a look.

Get this--there was a comment from a girl dated Sept. 3 saying thanks for the great first date. I didn't tell him I wasn't over you-know-who until Sept. 16. So I start reading his blog--and there's a post from Sept. 3 talking about this great first date and then one from Sept. 10 about the same girl.

My initial reaction is, of course, to be really pissed, because he gave me hell, meanwhile he's busy falling for some other girl. He happened to IM me just as I'm realizing this, so I tell him how messed up it was. He tells me that he sent me the MySpace email on purpose, so I would discover this, because he's felt really guilty about it, and he's really sorry he reacted like that because he had no right, and he deserves whatever I dish out. After I sign off, he writes this entry in his blog about how he messed up and he's going to do whatever it takes to make it right with me.

His apology didn't mean a lot, seeing as it's three months later, he picked a coward's way of cluing me in, and he was obviously still not being completely honest with me when we talked last night--obviously because he was contradicting things he'd written in his blog. For example, he said that their date Sept. 3 was just "going out nothing more" and Sept. 10 was more or less the same. Never mind the fact that in his blog he had written that Sept. 10 was their fifth date, something to the effect of "have you ever kissed someone and wanted it to last all night?" and that he was "hooked."

Explain to me how the hell you can be so head over heels with someone, yet still be claiming to be head over heels with someone else, and be so pissed off when she tells you she's not over someone else? And, not just to be momentarily pissed off, but to give it some thought, still curse me out and obviously still be mad a week later? But as far as that goes, it's not worth my energy to be pissed off at him--I just don't really have any desire to talk to him, because everything I've learned in the past 24 hours makes me believe he's probably a habitual liar.

What concerns me is this--am I just the most gullible person in the world or what? Of all the guys I've ever dated, only two have never cheated on me (or cheated with me and I didn't realize I was the second woman). In this instance, I wanted so badly to fall for Pittsburgh guy, and even convinced myself for a period that I had, because he seemed so head over heels for me, and seemed to be so sincere that I thought, here is a guy who would treat me well, who won't cheat--someone safe. I mean, I thought he was crazy about me, but then he's writing in a blog about how crazy he is about someone else, and still talking to me. Oh, and by the way, there was never any mention of me in his blog, which he started before he came down here to see me.

In retrospect, I'm glad that the feelings I had for him were more desired feelings than real feelings, because if the feelings I thought I had were realized--well, let me tell you, it would have hurt like hell later to find out he'd cheated. But the fact that I'm not heartbroken is only small consolation, because I'm still left with big questions. Will I ever be able to judge which guys are going to be faithful? Or am I just the kind of girl guys get tired of quickly, so they'll always move on to greener pastures?